Mathematician, Physicist, and a fire hydrant
A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question: Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and a hose not connected to the hydrant. What would you do?
P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire.
M: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire.
Then they were asked this question: Suppose you walked by a house and saw a hose connected to a hydrant. What would you do?
P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve.
M: I would disconnect the hose from they hydrant and set the house on fire, reducing the problem to a previously solved form.
A Calculus Joke
A guy gets on a bus and starts threatening everybody: "I'll integrate you! I'll differentiate you!!!" So everybody gets scared and runs away. Only one person stays. The guy comes up to him and says, "Aren't you scared, I'll integrate you, I'll differentiate you!!!" And the other guy says, "No, I am not scared, I am e^x."
The Priest Joke
A young priest was having severe stage fright whenever he got up on the pulpit. So, one day a visiting bishop gave him some advice. "Just before you go up, take a few sips of the wine. That will help relax you and make your stage fright go away." The young priest thought this sounded like a good idea and gave it a try the very next service. The young man had no problems at all. However, the bishop came to him after the service and gave him the following list of things that were wrong:
Next time, only take 3 sips, not gulps.
There are 10 commandments not 12.
There are 12 Disciples not 10.
We do not refer to the cross as the big "T."
The recommended grace before meals is not "rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah GOD!"
It's always the Virgin Mary not "Mary with the Cherry."
We do not refer to the Holy trinity as Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
We do not refer to Jesus and his disciples as JC and the boys.
Jesus was nailed to a cross. They did not "Tack his ass to a tree."
David beat Goliath, he did not "kick the shit" out of Goliath.
And last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters. There will not be a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's